You can read the prior four parts here:

• Part #1 – How a polite email led to a new Elan series
• Part #2 – A School for Wizards: From card houses to Hogwarts
• Part #3 – Secret Identity Revealed
• Part #4 – Starting the Book
• Part #5 – The Writing Life

CHAPTER ONE
(A MONTH OF TRIAL AND ERRORS)

The calendar registered a new year: 2023. It was February, three months had lapsed, but the outline was done. This process consisted of Lorian conceiving it, sending me a brief bulleted list of plot points, and my returning it pointing out potential problems. Early on, it was not a comprehensive work by any means. Lorian merely had the beginning, the end and enough stones in the middle to make it across the river without getting wet. Once I was satisfied that she had a working concept that would—barring unforeseen circumstances—hold up to logical scrutiny, I gave her the green light to start writing the first chapter. 

What Lorian originally sent me was good in the sense that it had all the elements necessary to be great. It just wasn’t there yet. I wasn’t looking for a collaborative effort. I didn’t need Lorian to write this book. Instead, I wanted an intensive growth process to make her a better writer, and the only way she could learn was to be given the opportunity to fail. So, I refused to give her answers or solutions. She needed to learn how to do this herself, and thus began the process of her sending me attempts, and me sending them back with comments that always concluded with the two words: TRY AGAIN. 

Lorian — 2/14/23, 4:22 PM

In my head, Elinya is further away from Roda, but the market’s distance is about right. I agree (now that you mention it) that the market is too far away for noise to be an issue. I’ll fix that part (the yell being drowned out).

Michael J. Sullivan — 2/14/23, 4:26 PM

Granted, it isn’t easy to understand. This is very subtle, but you introduced a pause in the action when she fell and then was blocked by the bushes. Because of this, she has the chance to pause for a second and think, and you could use that pause to explain motivation. It’s like a little pocket inside the action that you created by this physical event. (Writing is more complicated than it appears, eh?)

Lorian — 2/14/23, 4:27 PM

This is one of those places where I groan, take stock of my life, drink a bit, and then get back to work.

Yes, the subtlety is hard to grasp. But I will.

The line with the bushes in the way is crossed out. So should I put it back in if she needs a moment to think? Or perhaps create another reason?

While making edits I decided to have Roda pelt the guy with multiple rocks. It was more fun. So I dropped the idea of having her be a crack shot.

Michael J. Sullivan — 2/14/23, 5:06 PM

I have no opinion on which you choose, but you are correct that you need to establish she is a talented pitcher at the time she throws. This can be done subtly, by how she throws, and how you describe it. (Some observation will be necessary.) See if you can do it on your own, if not I’ll show you.

Michael J. Sullivan — 2/14/23, 5:07 PM

Metaphors and similes are one of the great problems with invented-world fantasy.

Michael J. Sullivan — 2/14/23, 5:08 PM

No. “Earth” isn’t an acceptable word in any form. Your options are soil and dirt. “Earth” is just too real world related.

Lorian — 2/14/23, 5:09 PM

Got it!

Michael J. Sullivan — 2/14/23, 5:22 PM

Yep. That’s the thing. None of this is scientific. Not how you use words, not how you write. It is all done by feel. When teaching my son to drive, I could tell him everything, but until he did it and failed several times he couldn’t begin to understand. With a car it is easy to know when you failed. With writing you (normally) have no immediate feedback. Lucky for you, you have me. Still, it is a matter of trying this, then that, then that and seeing what works and what doesn’t. Eventually, you’ll just know what works and won’t know how, you’ll just know.

Michael J. Sullivan — 2/14/23, 5:25 PM

I think I’d put Roda closer to Elinya, or make her trajectory toward the market force her to pass close to Elinya so as to facilitate the events you want to occur. Given this new map, you also might want to think how you can best convey this to the reader without making it too analytical.

Lorian — 2/14/23, 5:26 PM

I can do that. The ledge can move closer to the hill and the market can shift up and to the right.

I’m reminded on an almost daily basis how lucky I am to have instant feedback. I read critique requests on fantasy forums and feel incredibly fortunate not to have to stumble around in the dark and get questionable advice.

Michael J. Sullivan — 2/19/23, 8:54 PM

Okay… so you need to picture this part of the process like it is your supercool training montage. Inspiring music is playing as you work late into the night, sending version after version off, which comes back dripping with red pen marks. At some point, you slam the desk and nearly throw the computer across the room. “This is ridiculous! What does he want from me?” But then you pick the computer back up and grudgingly go back to work. 

So yeah, this should be like that. Right?

In this go-around, you need to work on two things. The physical scene (who is standing where, when, and how) and how to better describe these; and understanding how words can be used like a camera doing wide angle shots and close ups, and how wide angles allow the reader to see the whole scene in perfect clarity, establishing the “where everyone is in relationship to the landscape and each other.” Then you zoom in for more detailed shots. You don’t just do this once. You do it every time the scene calls for it—which means every time you need to be certain the reader sees where all the pieces are on the board.

Study the opening scene in Avempartha. You are very light on the more extensive in-depth descriptions. And so … once more … try again. 

DON’T THROW THE COMPUTER!!

Lorian — 2/20/23, 7:53 AM

Is that why you gave me such a big one? Harder to throw?

Lorian — 2/20/23, 9:29 AM

It’s interesting that you chose the Wyatt passage to demonstrate. That’s one of my favorites.

Lorian — 2/20/23, 10:27 AM

Yes, I’m confused about description in action scenes. I get that Roda shouldn’t go into a flashback or lengthy internal dialog, but the description thing is confusing me. So it’s okay to describe something in detail as long as Roda is seeing, hearing, or feeling it (assuming it’s something she would notice at all)? How does limiting adjectives work with that? I’m going to reread your Wyatt example right now in an attempt to answer my own questions, but want to make sure I have it straight.

Lorian — 2/20/23, 2:42 PM

And, just so you know, I’m not fed up. I’m fully aware I’m going straight from the bunny slope to the K-13. I’m going to fall down a lot and slam into a few trees. I’m actually ecstatic every time I get a critique full of red marks rather than a pink slip.

Michael J. Sullivan — 2/20/23, 3:46 PM

Yeah, I think you understand. 

GENERAL WRITING CONSISTS OF . . .  

Description, Actions, Dialog, Internal dialog (thoughts/observations), Direct Thoughts (Italic first person non-quoted dialog). 

ACTION SEQUENCES CONSISTS OF . . .

Description and Actions.  In this sense, description is limited to the senses: sight, sound, feeling, smell, taste. That said (and this might be your issue) action scenes are interspersed within general writing, and there is no hard and fast rule on not allowing observation in an action scene, but it must serve a purpose and be brief. 

HOW TO TELL WHEN AND WHEN NOT

A good general rule of thumb is to consider your own mind. When you are idle, your mind wanders. You think about strange things. You ponder and speculate. But when the sh*t hits the fan, when your child is choking on a tootsie roll, you don’t ponder or speculate. You are hyper aware. You notice things in detail and you act. This doesn’t mean that the thought of your child dying doesn’t lurk around the edges of your mind. This doesn’t mean you don’t feel terrified, unsure, insecure, but these feelings are only glanced at briefly and thoughts that deal with self-loathing for giving the kid the candy in the first place occurs AFTER the action is over. And if a character thinks of something off topic during an action scene, it is disturbing. 

Example:

Hadrian, Royce, and Arista are in the custody of the Black Diamond in and the tension is palpable and Hadrian gets excited that they have peanuts in their room, this is a telegram to the reader that Hadrian is acting out of normal. He is suspiciously casual. 

When a character thinks something funny or strange in a dire moment it says a lot. 

“You know what bothers me?” Tekchin asked.

Roan, who hadn’t said anything since returning from her visit with Reanna, volunteered an answer. “The fact that all of them have an odd number of ties down the front of their left boots but an even number on their right ones?”

Everyone turned so suddenly to look at her that Roan shrank back. “That wasn’t it?”

Lorian — 2/20/23, 3:54 PM

The “when” part was going to be my next question.

Michael J. Sullivan — 2/20/23, 4:04 PM

Just like using a variety of long and short sentences, feeling your way for a rhythm you need to shift between action and contemplation. Right now, you are heavy in contemplation. You’re good at it so you lean hard on it. Now you need to develop the weak side.

Lorian — 2/21/23, 10:45 AM

I was thinking that Roda could still hurl rocks if (1) Elinya stops struggling, (2) Roda is highly confident about her aim. Perhaps she grew up hunting rabbits with rocks (looked it up; it’s a thing). That would tie in nicely when she thinks Elinya looks like a cornered rabbit.

Lorian — 2/24/23, 4:00 PM

New version headed your way tomorrow. Finished it today but want to look it over again.

Michael J. Sullivan — 2/27/23, 5:48 PM

Sorry for the delay. Very busy ATM. Spent the day saving my wife from a disaster with her shipping of Will Wight’s books. Truck showed up early and it needed emptying – immediately. Very physical, and I’m not in THAT good of shape. It is February for Maribor’s sake! Who is in shape in February? Anyway, I am self medicating with whiskey and beer. Will respond to your file soon. I started it, but am only halfway through. Sounds lame given how short it is, but that’s the truth.

Lorian — 2/27/23, 5:50 PM

No worries at all. I took what, four days getting it to you? And I didn’t even have a shipping issue on my hands!

Lorian — 3/1/23, 12:50 PM

I haven’t figured out what sort of tattoo the thief has (the least of my worries, I know). I don’t really have a clear understanding of what animals reside in Elan, other than farm animals and a few wild ones. Tigers, certainly, but the tiger has a specific meaning. A dragon tattoo would also have a meaning. A fish or deer behind bars would be dumb. I don’t think an elephant sounds particularly fearsome (even though they ARE really dangerous). No sports team is “The Fighting Elephants”. What ferocious beasts are running around?

Michael J. Sullivan — 3/1/23, 1:28 PM

Pretty much the same as in the real world. You just need to keep in mind who is imagining it. Not everyone has heard of tigers and elephants, as they only exist in Calis. But here are some ideas: Lions, Wolves, Badgers, Wolverines, Leopards, Scorpions, Cobras.

Lorian — 3/1/23, 1:34 PM

Thanks!

Lorian — 3/3/23, 10:29 AM

I’ll have the revisions ready for you today. Some of the paragraphs are still too short. Question: In the past when I submitted chapters to the group you would usually say “There are some things I COULD point out, but this is good for now”.  Were those “things” all the in-depth stuff we’re covering now?

Michael J. Sullivan — 3/3/23, 10:36 AM

On a scale of 1-10, what I review in Novel House is 1-3 (basically just trying to orient the writer to understanding the basics—or what I deem to be the basics) With you, now, I am reviewing at a level of 4-8, (meaning I expect you to know the basics, and I am now editing you like I would edit myself, except I am skipping minor things that aren’t very important, which is the fine polish stuff.) What you get past me now should easily pass muster at any traditional publisher. When you’re done, we’ll go back over the whole novel and clean up all the messy stuff. By then, you ought to be capable of doing that yourself.

Lorian — 3/3/23, 10:39 AM

So when I eventually return to the work I previously submitted to Novel House I’ll probably think “Damn, this is terrible”?

Michael J. Sullivan — 3/3/23, 10:43 AM

No. Your writing there was good. You wouldn’t be here otherwise. But this is a different kind of writing. You are working in an invented-world-fantasy, and I am insisting that you conform to my style now. But you ought to be able to see new ways to improve your older stuff, in particular when it comes to plotting.

Lorian — 3/3/23, 10:43 AM

I already am. It’s becoming more clear every day why the other book wasn’t working.

Michael J. Sullivan — 3/3/23, 10:45 AM

Sadly, I will warn you that when you’re ready to go out on your own, you will no longer enjoy reading.

Lorian — 3/3/23, 10:46 AM

It’s already happening.

Hey all, Robin again.  Am I the only one who wants to read this first chapter?  Maybe we’ll post it somewhere (Royal Road perhaps) once it gets final aproval from Lorian and Michael after I do a first-pass copy edit.

I guess my trivia from last time was pretty hard, but we did eventually have someone (Matthew the Monk) who obviously got it.  And someone else, Orgami_Elan who was sniffing in the right place.  Here’s the answer:

 
Only one post left!

And if you are on goodreads, please follow and/or friend Lorian. And don’t forget to add Out of the Ashes to your shelves. Last time I looked it was #8 on the most popular list for the month of release and that list is made based on the number of shelvings of a book. It’s currently over 1,300, and in general I like to see 2,000 people interested in a title for me to feel like I’ve done a decent job getting the word out. Oh, and I should note, this IS NOT an official release date, I’m hoping to get the book released in  2025, but I didn’t want to pressure Lorian so I put a date in 2026 that wasn’t close to the new year. 

If we can’t make the 2025 deadline, this will be the first year since 2008 that Michael didn’t have a release.  Yes, technically Drumindor’s physical book release in August of 2025, but the ebook and audio came out in mid-2024.